


Double- edged secrets

by SleepyShadow



Category: Bleach
Genre: Angst and Feels, Confessions, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Light Angst, M/M, Past Rape/Non-con, Secrets, Shinigami/Zanpakutou Bond, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-19
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28862352
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyShadow/pseuds/SleepyShadow
Summary: Ikkaku catches wind of Yumichika's long held secret. Angry- he sets off to find his purple haired partner to hear the truth face to face. But after nearly a full day of searching Ikkaku starts to worry.
Relationships: Ayasegawa Yumichika/Madarame Ikkaku
Comments: 4
Kudos: 29





	1. In Bloom

_**“We can have some more** _

_**Nature is a whore** _

_**Bruises on the fruit** _

_**Tender age in bloom.”** _

Ikkaku gripped his sword so hard it hurt. Droplets of sweat descend down his face and he is too lost in thought to care. Head down, the 11th division’s third seat can be seen clenching and unclenching his grip around his zanpakuto whilst hastily making his way to the tenth division barracks. His stomach churns; on the outside he seems to be in his normal temperament after a fight, other than his taught jaw and grit teeth. However inside the bald headed shinigami turmoil flooded his head in waves.

He had just stormed off after teaching one of the lower ranks a lesson which led to an unexpected run in with a lieutenant . Of course a crowd had gathered- like most times Ikkaku fought when the captain wasn’t around. The others in the strong willed division loved to cheer on and watch a good brawl.

Ikkaku was just training the kid at first. Commenting at his faults and mistakes with his usual stance of arrogance and disposition. But the new recruit just got way too cocky for his liking. The young ones wanted to feel like they could reach his level. Ikkaku scoffed thinking about it. The other divisions might not appreciate the use of tough love, and intense training that they did in the 11th. Ikkaku wouldn’t be as powerful as he currently is without the brutal conditioning he adhered to; in his experience it worked. Pure unbridled thirst for power and adrenaline.

He left the kid flat on his ass with a look of disbelief and a hint of fear. “Tsk '' Was all he could muster hovering over the smaller shinigami.

That’s when a certain smug faced and red haired shinigami sauntered over to chide him about proper training techniques. “Shut it Abarai!” Ikkaku cried his eyebrow twitching ever so slightly. “You probably woulda done the same anyways”.

The redhead thought about it for a minute, then he said with a laugh “Yeah your right!”

“Well if that’s all ya came over for monkey face I was gonna head back. I need a shower” Ikkaku replied curtly raising his arm up so he could sniff his armpit.

The lieutenant of the 6th rolled his eyes as he let out an annoyed grunt “Idiot! that’s not just what I came here for…” He trailed off almost as if he was trying to remember that very piece of information. Then his eyes widened and he leaned forward “Oi Ikkaku I did have somethin’ to tell ya”.

“Spit it out would ya Renji. I ain’t got all day.” Ikkaku put his hand on his hip mumbling that last part.

Renji brought his hand up to scratch the back of his head. A sheepish expression spreading across his face. “Well uh Taicho asked me a weird question about Yumichika this morning actually”.

Ikkaku felt his eyebrows raise.

“I wasn’t supposed to say anything, but it seems word has gone around with some of the captains…”

Now he was several yards away after using his flash step. His original plan to shower sidetracked and his grip on his sword tight. Ikkaku could feel himself become absorbed by his own inner monologue.

* * *

He wants to yell. He wants to throw things. Right now he could level a small town with his pent up anger.

_How could he not tell me? That fucking IDIOT he damn well knows that this means for him!_

Thoughts repeatedly swell up in his head, then they just dissipate into confusion. He sighs.

_Who else knows?... Could he really have confided in others? No that can’t be it. That wouldn’t make any sense Renji wouldn’t have said anything if Yumi had told him first. Right?_

Ikkaku shakes his head. Picturing his friend spilling secrets wasn’t exactly the hardest thing to do _especially_ when he’s had a few too many. But this was different from gossip about who might be seeing who or different trends from the human world. It was serious.

But something was tugging at Ikkaku and he couldn’t quite ascertain what was making him feel so weird all the sudden. Images of Yumichika entered his mind that betrayed his logical sense. Would his friend reveal something like that so carelessly?

_“You should leave that grumpy old baldy’s side and come join us”_

Am I overreacting?

_“That’s not even that bad”._

_“Yeah. Why do you even hang around those barbarians anyway?”_

What would he look like being the last to know?

_“Especially that Ikkaku. He doesn’t even pay attention to you.”_

Contemplating other people's thoughts and feelings- that was Yumichika’s job. And now Ikkaku rubs his head in frustration as his poor brain has just overworked itself with an unfamiliar task.

“Ugh! what am I getting so worked up for? I’ll jus’ go fuckin’ find the bastard and find out myself… Gotta find him before Taicho gets back though”. Ikkaku mumbles to himself.

* * *

He arrives at the 10 division Captain’s quarters. Ikkaku grabs the knob swinging the door open only to be greeted by a blast of cold air. “What the-”

He blinks a couple times being jarred back into reality.

Ice. Ikkaku nearly busts his ass. His foot stepping on the slippery substance that lines the floor causing his leg to jerk up and out from underneath him. His arms shoot out and he wobbles a little, eventually getting both feet back on the ground.

He takes in the scene in front of him. The white haired captain of the 10th division is standing in front of his lieutenant's desk. His posture is tense and he is currently leaning forward yelling at his blonde haired associate Rangiku Matsumoto. He is so caught up into his rant he doesn’t even acknowledge the taller shinigami in the doorway. Ikkaku can feel his reiatsu swarming around like a frozen whirlwind. He can’t help himself from smirking a little _damn how can someone so small project this much rage._

His teal blue eyes are shooting daggers at Matsumoto’s sky blue ones. She quickly looks to the side and grimaces, slouching in her seat even more. The captain continues on his tirade.

“MATSUMOTO DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO FINISH ALL THIS PAPERWORK- BY MYSELF I MIGHT ADD!”

“Taicho” The blonde woman mutters sheepishly.

“JUST TO FIND YOU NAPPING OFF A HANGOVER WHEN WE HAVE NEW RECRUITS TO SORT AND TRAIN- “

“Taicho”.

“I should have frozen your sake stash when I had the chance”. The angry shinigami sighs and buries his face in his hands momentarily trying to control his emotions.

“Taicho I’m sorry but-” The girl squeeks out.

“THAT’S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY RANGIKU. Ugh sometimes I wonder why you wanted to be a lieutenant!” The short captain says the last part in an exasperated tone his voice lowered just a little, but he was still quite angry.

The busty shinigami visibly winces, as her captain finally notices another presence in the room. Although Ikkaku swears he spots her wipe a bead of sweat off her brow, looking almost relieved the attention was off her for the time being.

“...”

“....”

“Oh Konnichiwa Madarame” The captain says almost too casually. “What brings you to the 10th”

Ikkaku looks around the room, stifling a shiver as he watches the ice melt around him trying to remember what he came here for. “Ummm- oh yeah I jus’ wanted to know. I was wonderin if one of ya guys had seen Yumichika around”. His eyes flit to Matsumoto, but her expression is unreadable.

“I have not” The ice elemental responds in his usual stern nature. Sticking his hands in his pockets. Ikkaku looks at the captain realizing that the taicho was wearing pants. Ripped jeans to be exact with a belt along with a navy blue sleeveless shirt that had a hood and adjustable strings attached.

 _I didn’t expect Hitsugaya taicho to be so fond of human clothes_ , Ikkaku thinks to himself. _Matsumoto must have gone on another one of her rogue shopping sprees in the human world. “Mall” I think that’s what she called it._ Ikkaku is reminded of the time her and Yumichika dragged him to one of those horrid shopping centers. He nearly rolls his eyes and scoffs at the memory of how happy it made both of them afterwards, a twinge of unwanted emotions hits him. but he catches himself slipping and clears his throat instead.

“~ I haven’t seen him since last night~” Rangiku says in her singsong voice. She tilts her head ever so slightly “~Is there something wrong Ikkaku-san?”

“Nah” the bald shinigami responds flatly, turning to leave.

“Gomen Ikkaku, we’ll let you know if we do?”

“It’s okay Toshiro. I’ll just have to find ‘im myself”. He quietly grumbles that last part, more to himself than anybody else.

Hitsugaya scowls a bit after being called his first name, but Ikkaku had already let himself out.

* * *

The icy captain goes back to his desk. Flopping back down in his chair, he pinches the bridge of his nose to combat an oncoming migraine.

“He seemed.. I don’t know- off?” Hitsugaya didn’t really know the 3rd seat that well, but he could tell something was amiss. He looked to his lieutenant for confirmation.

Rangiku had her head propped up in her hands, her long hair framing her elbows on the desk. She looked at her captain with intense thoughtfulness. “Hmh!” She nodded in agreement.

Hitsugaya let out a heavy sigh. “Now can you please get some work done”.

“~Hai taicho”.

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

**_“It's always best when the light is off”_ **

* * *

_ “I am the pick in the ice _

_ Do not cry out or hit the alarm _

**_You know we're friends till we die_ **

  
  


_ And either way you turn _

**_I'll be there_ **

_ Open up your skull _

**_I'll be there_ **

_ Climbing up the walls” _

  
  


The sun had just started to set over the Seireitei. Ikkaku was back at his barracks, he flicked on the light and tossed his zanpakuto on his bed. His side of the room was always a mess. Clothes scattered haphazardly all over the floor, as well as food wrappers and other debris. He half expects his room mate to be sitting gracefully on his neatly made bed, reading one of his magazines scolding him for being so disorganized. He gets halfway into the room when he realizes he wasn’t. It was just him. And it was quiet. 

‘ _ Stop with this foolishness Ikkaku. You know Ayasegawa takes these things seriously’. _

“Hmph. I was wonderin when you were gonna butt in Hozukimaru” Ikkaku says out loud glancing at his sword, his eyebrow starting to twitch. He saunters to the bathroom and starts to peel off his dirty uniform

‘ _ Baka. Self loathing will get you nowhere’’  _ Ikkaku’s deep voiced Zanpakuto spirit grumbles from somewhere deep in his mind.

Ikkaku turns on the shower and clambers in letting the cold water encompass him.  _ Fuck! Why did this have to happen? _ He rubs his face in frustration.

‘ _ Does it change things between the two of you?” _

“Yeah it kinda does.. I mean I just don’t understand why he would keep somethin’ so big from me. He tells us  _ everything.  _ You know that!” He said out loud to no one who was physically there. 

‘ _ You sound unsure _ ’ The demon made a grunt like noise that sounded like he was deep in thought for a moment.  _ ‘ Ayasegawa reveals to you more than he does others, but he’s always had a reserved side to him, ne?’ _

Ikkaku washed up fairly quickly and turned the water off. He grabbed a small towel and wiped his face and his hairless head. After a bit it was shiny and even a glint sparkled in the light. With a bigger towel he dried off the rest of his body. He put on a white undershirt with a plain blue kimono on top. He audibly huffed. He didn’t like to think his friend had a secretive side to him. It bothered him.

_ Yumi talks a lot. He likes gossip, he likes to speculate about things, he likes to be involved in the goings on in the seireitei. Sometimes he never shuts up! _

_ ‘I said  _ **_reserved, not_ ** _ secretive you  _ **_baka!_ ** _ Are you even listening to me baboon brain” _

_ Are you lookin to fight Hozukimaru? Cuz I’m not in the fucking mood for this right now. I have to go talk to that idiot and smack some sense into him. Hopefully this was all just a prank or somethin and we can go on with our lives.  _

_ ‘You know I would win Ikkaku’  _ The demon let out a viscous laugh delighted at the threat of battle. 

Ikkaku was on the move again, he had on his socks and sandals, and they stepped out into the night. 

‘ _ Zaraki needs to come back from his mission soon. I’ve been aching for a good adrenaline rush and we haven’t run into any hollows lately’ _ Ikkaku could feel that his zanpakuto spirit was restless. 

_ I know, I know. I’ll ask Taicho to send us on a mission when he gets back _ .  _ I wish he would have taken Yachiru with him though.  _ Ikkaku shivered when he thought of Yachiru giving him a hot pink glittery “makeover” because she was bored. He was glad that the small menace was currently annoying the crap out of Kuchiki taichou at his estate. 

‘ _ Let’s focus on finding our peacock first’  _

* * *

  
  


Ikkaku wandered around the seireitei first, going to all the places he figured he would find his childhood friend. Going from the training grounds, he stopped at squad four. The medics politely shake their heads at his inquiry. Just as he is about to leave he spots a tall female shinigami, who is actually fukutaicho of the healing division, and heads in her direction. “Ah Isane! Have ya seen Ayasegawa?” he yells walking towards her.

The periwinkle haired girl spins around so fast she nearly drops the various medical items she is carrying. Ikkaku watches as she frantically jolts her body, maneuvering so everything lands back in the tray. She seems almost too good at it. Everything falls neatly back into place like it never happened at all. She swipes a small amount of sweat off her hairline and meets Ikkaku’s gaze giving him a cheery smile despite the mess she almost just made. She puts her finger up to her lips and seems to think about it. “Hmmm no- not today Madarame- san” She pauses before continuing. “Come to think of it, Last time I was in the human world I picked up some fun colored eyelash extensions. I thought it would be nice to help him try a new look!” The doe eyed lieutenant clasps her hands together trailing off from the original question asked. “Anyways when you find him tell him to stop by”. Isane seemed like she could keep talking about stylish accessories from the human world, but she looks around her bustling division hallway, her face paling a few shades as if she just remembered something crucial. “A-anyways Ikkaku san I must be going”. With that she rushes off.

_ She said  _ **_when_ ** _ we find him, what if we don’t?  _ Ikkaku left the fourth division feeling tired and frustrated.  _ I’m really startin to get annoyed. _

‘ _ Don’t be ridiculous!’  _ The demon practically snarled at him.

* * *

He frowned; deep lines started to etch on his face as he furrowed his brow. “Damn” He muttered quietly. I _ thought for sure he would be here.  _ He couldn’t sense his reiatsu either.  _ He wasn’t beneath that tree, he wasn’t at the pub.  _ Ikkaku stands on top of the library building, hands on his hips with the wind blowing his clothes around lightly. It’s a small spot not many know about. It has a balcony with a small bench to sit and even a little garden. Ikkaku walks over to the flowers remembering the time he stumbled upon his friend sulking here.

_ “Oh my god Ikkaku how can you tell me you didn’t know the seireitei had a library”. Yumichicka had his hand placed daintily on his forehead with a slightly exasperated expression. Only slightly. Ikkaku smirked and the other male let out a sigh. “Why am I even surprised?” He mumbled. Yumichicka stood in the moonlight by the balcony railing with his arms placed across his chest, his head tilted to the side. Ikkaku heard some guys talking about Yumichicka’s appearance again. He understood why the others in the division were giving him a hard time about it, but he still didn't like it. The expression on Yumichicka’s face was more solemn now, although some of it was obscured by shadow as he stared at the various plants and flowers that had for some inexplicable reason resided on the rooftop. Water droplets dripped off the bright green leaves and Ikkaku realized that his friend was most likely the reason they were still thriving. This was why. He couldn’t tell how the other felt, and he didn’t really know how to approach him about it either. Ikkaku spoke up after a short while “Hey Yumi come on let’s go to the pub! Taicho and the others have probably already started the drinking game”. He took some steps toward his friend. “If we get there soon enough we can watch everyone get shtfaced”. He offered. Ikkaku stood there staring at his back. They remained silent for what seemed like an eternity. He noticed Yumichika shift his posture, slowly dropping his arms to his sides, and finally turning to face Ikkaku all the way. When Yumichika looked at Ikkaku his eyes seemed distant for a short second, but they quickly regained their color and the shorter shinigami briskly walked over to Ikkaku. “Fine... but you’re buying dinner”.  _

Ikkaku lets out a frustrated groan as he descends from the building. He has an inkling of where his friend had gone and he doesn’t like it. The sky darkens as the frustrated man walks around the Seireitei a bit more. He never had much of a reason to leave the walls except for when a mission calls for it. Sometimes other Shinigami leave to visit friends or family, it’s something most keep under wraps unless you have permission. Ikkaku never really cared. He likes fighting and he gets to do it a lot by Zaraki’s side. He doesn’t have any reason to go back to his “home town”. He stops walking, looks up at the sky, lets his shoulders ease down, his arms hang limply at his sides. _It’s looking like I might have to head back there._ ‘Damn you Yumichika.” Ikkaku cursed his friend under his breath.

* * *

_ “Toss your dirty shoes in my washing machine heart _

_ Baby, bang it up inside” _

**________________________________________________________________________________ **

**_“Baby, though I've closed my eyes_ **

  
  


**_I know who you pretend I am_ **

**_I know who you pretend I am”_ **

  
  


After stomping around the largely populated yet impoverished area outside the Seireitei with a scowl on his face Ikkaku finally spots the shinigami he had been searching for. _ The Rukon districts are so big it could have taken me days to find him.  _ He thinks to himself. He takes in the view of a vast mountainous landscape right past a tiny village he found himself in. Catching the vague shape of a man in the distance. The streets in the nighttime are eerily silent. He stands outside a few weathered shops taking in his surroundings. Unlike the bustling place he met Yumichika in, it seemed like they could never catch any peace or quiet even during the late hours of the night. He managed to get a trace of his squad member’s familiar spiritual pressure after checking their old stomping grounds. Which was really a small abandoned shack with one open room and a small kitchen. He was kind of relieved to see it empty knowing he wouldn’t have to hang around much longer. Didn’t make the man any less irritated though. Now here he was. Yumichika was sitting in a small clearing amongst tall grass and saplings. 

Ikkaku approached cautiously, not sure if the other shinigami had dozed off. He could see him better now. Eyes closed, chest rising and falling. There was a strange stillness about him. 

‘ _ They’re arguing’  _

_ Huh? What do you mean Hozukimaru? _

_ ‘Ayasegawa and his Zanpakuto, I can only hear one side, but they have always been at odds’ _

_ Well what should I do? _

_ ‘They both want the same thing, but fight each other tooth and nail. I believe your friend is truly conflicted Ikkaku. We fought for a while don’t you remember?’ _

Ikkaku scratches his head  _ Yeah course I remember ya thinkin you could beat me. I don’t understand what that has to do with Yumi though.. _

_ ‘Now we fight to  _ **_better_ ** _ each other. We are partners. I was mad because you weren’t using all your strength, but I came to appreciate your motivation. We are one because we have the same heart for battle’  _ The demon explains

_ Wow get it together ya big ole sap.  _ Ikkaku exhales sharply through his nose at his zanpakuto’s raw honesty.  _ If they’re already fightin I don’t wanna barge in... But at the same time he could get kicked out of the squad if Taicho catches wind of this! They already look down at him! If they find out he has a kido sword they’ll use it against him.  _ Ikkaku looked back at his friend, he still hadn't moved a muscle, but he could see a frown on his lips twitching off and on. He could hear his own zanpakuto sigh, growing more agitated.

‘ _ Who sits in the background during your fights? Who’s stayed strictly by your side through thick and thin?’ _

Now it’s Ikkaku’s turn to frown.  _ Fuck it! We’ll just have to deal with everyone else when we get back. If he leaves I leave.  _ Ikkaku could sense Hozukimaru starting to say something else, but he shuts out his spirit partner for the time being. 


	3. Chapter 3

“A kido- type huh? Ikkaku stood a ways away from his friend, unsure of how to approach him yet again.

The azure haired shinigami sits unwavering. The grass sways in the breeze and the moon hangs high in the navy blue sky. Ikkaku didn’t have an eye for aesthetic things like Yumichika did, but it was such a serene moment. He couldn’t dismiss how dignified he looked in the field surrounded by nature.  _ You damned idiot you’re supposed to be over here tellin me how  _ **_beautiful_ ** _ you think this is! I’m not just gonna let you cover up your worries with silence and a fake smile like you always do. _

Ikkaku’s hand balled into a fist. “Earth to Yumichika, I’m talkin to ya here!” He takes a couple steps forward, now in front of the other male. 

Yumichika sighs, it’s deep and perturbed. His voice comes out rigid and flat. Ikkaku can almost hear the tension in his jaw yet his eyes still remain closed. 

“I was hoping you’d leave”.

  
  


“Well i’m not goin anywhere”. Another wave of silence passes between the two. Crickets and other insects can be heard chirping, the leaves rustle in the trees. Ikkaku unceremoniously drops down beside Yumichika and mutters “I can stay here all night”.

He lets out what sounds like something between a raspy sigh and a really bitter groan. “Just. Leave. Ikkaku” He pauses between each word hoping to get the message across. But Ikkaku can see the stress weighing his face down and it was giving him away. Yumichika waits a bit before deciding to open his purple eyes. He comes to terms with the fact that he isn’t going to get rid of his companion that easily after sensing Ikkaku’s unyielding stance beside him. 

“So what if ya have a kido sword, I bet I could talk to Taicho about it and we can get it all sorted out”. Ikkaku broke the hushed tone he was using earlier. His statement came out a little more nonchalant then he meant it to.

“ **So what!** ?” Yumichika barely exploded.

Ikkaku winced  _ welp there’s that reiatsu I couldn’t sense all day.  _ “Yumichika you’re bein’ ridiculous'' Ikkaku continued despite the enraged energy pouring out of the blue haired shinigami. “If they kick you out it’s their loss! You’re strong enough without your bankai''. Ikkaku felt a pang of guilt after those words left his mouth because he knows his friend is strong enough to be third seat yet he wouldn’t take it because  _ he _ has that position. “Hell Yumi! You even have the potential to be fukutaicho it’s plain to see. I can see it anyway, and if they can’t- then I don’t wanna be around ‘em neither”. 

Ikkaku feels something shift in his comrade. Yumichika abruptly gets up distancing himself. He turns away holding himself tightly. 

Suddenly Ikkaku’s chest hurts. He gasps out loud despite himself. The utter despair coming from his friend takes Ikkaku’s breath away. He can feel it now wrapping around him and taking hold. His hands instinctively start to clench, his fingernails digging into his palms. He feels like a 100 ton weight has just been dropped on him, but he attempts to get up anyways.

“Don’t you get it Ikkaku?” Yumichika says softly, still facing the other way.

Ikkaku is at a loss for words. The amount of sadness radiating off his fellow shinigami has him stunned. He’s never seen Yumichika like this before. Normally he can joke or even battle their issues out, but this-  _ this _ was different. His friend who has given him countless advice. Who has stood by him and patched him up after fights and brawls- is severely hurt. Frankly Ikkaku’s heart breaks as he stares wide eyed feeling useless in this moment. His thoughts frantically race around his head. He would literally do or say  _ anything _ to stop his friends sorrow that was pouring out of him rapidly.

“Lying makes you _ ugly _ ”. His voice sounded strained and cracked at the end of his statement. That causes a powerful shiver to sweep down Ikkaku’s spine. A brief flashback of the times before they met Zaraki Taichou runs through his mind. 

It was so long ago the bald man had almost forgotten when he first encountered Yumichika. Or rather he tried to forget the circumstances in which he stumbled upon him. It made him too angry to think about. He had definitely seen the boy around because his extravagant appearance was easy to pick out in a crowd. But when he found him wiping tears off his bloodied face in an alleyway he was dumbstruck hearing the way the poor boy was treated. He couldn’t fathom why someone would want to hurt somebody else in the way Yumichika was attacked. He promised he would find every last one of the men who cornered him that day and take them down with his bare hands. The badly damaged boy couldn’t stop mumbling at how ugly he was.  _ Don’t look at me please!... They s-said I was u-ugly… _ Ikkaku heard his soft pleas echo in his mind. He felt that familiar anger rise up in him again.

He learned to deal with how vain Yumi could be sometimes because of it. Other people just didn’t understand the peculiar boy like he could. He would always point out how “ugly” crying made him look. But that was the only time Ikkaku has seen the other male cry since then. 

Back in the present moment he could hear the slender shinigami’s faint sniffles.  _ No no no  _ Ikkaku stumbled forward. He felt like he was trudging through mud. He breathed heavy with panic rising in his throat.  _ No Yumi don’t cry, please.  _

“K-kami... Yumi... Please don’t cry”. His words came out slow, breathy, and desperate as he was still struggling to move. Struggling to get a hold of himself, but stumbling forward. Ikkaku bit his lip thinking about how “girly” he sounded, but he didn’t care. He was beside himself right now. 

* * *

Yumichika was trembling like a leaf holding himself like he would fall apart if he didn’t. He was trying to push the other man away best he could; but of course that stubborn bald head was coming up behind him too fast for him to react. He felt a hand clasp onto his shoulder. Gripping it tightly, and the blue haired man bit his lip  _ hard.  _ The secret he had been holding since the academy days was out. Yes he did in fact have a kido type zanpakuto. When he found out he was pissed.  _ Out of all the types I could get.. This  _ **_this_ ** _ is what I got stuck with. Great! Just great!  _ He remembered thinking to himself.  _ What am I going to do? I can’t get into squad 11 with this.  _ His mind brought up a picture of a particularly vulgar bald headed man. He would always sneer at him in his head  _ A fucking kido type! Are you serious! You can’t fight with us with that  _ **_thing._ ** _ I’m sorry Yumi, but I can’t be seen with you anymore.  _ Yumichika would grow anxious with his sword in his hand. Always worrying. One wrong move and he was done for. He had to evaluate himself carefully. He would pick at his every move, assessing all the possibilities. In hindsight it caused him to become a great scholar in those days. Because he wanted to gain all the information he could on his zanpakuto he read lots of books and paid extra attention in class. Gathering the techniques to  **_hide_ ** his true capabilities. Even going through the lengths to call it a different name. He learned to taunt and demean his own sword. Calling it by the cruel nickname Fuji Kujaku. Giving it the title of it’s least favorite color- caused his zanpakuto spirit to sulk and only release partially. He argued with it everytime, the flamboyant spirit would try to persuade him into gaining a true bankai but he always thought of his squad and his captain first.

Although he seemed.. and well looked extremely out of place. Which he was well aware of. He still felt at home in the macho squad. He knew it was where he belonged. He felt as if he added a little flavor to the group, and he didn’t care about how anyone else felt about it. He would ignore the insults thrown at him and carry on. He had heard those insults all his life and they didn’t carry the same weight they used to. Plus the captain himself would interfere if he felt the others were  _ too  _ out of line. The brazen taicho loved to fuck around with his squad members, cracking jokes and coming up with new and creative slurs was one of his favorite pastimes. But he would also say that trying to fight one of their own was a waste of energy that can be used against the enemy. And if someone joined the squad just to pick fights they would be sorely disappointed. Not getting serious about battle was a big no no. Taicho would rip them a new one and eventually they’d leave or transfer. 

Plus he also had  _ Ikkaku _ . That bull-headed baldy was brash and disagreeable all the time. He truly  **_belonged_ ** in the squad. Yumichika watched the two adrenaline junkies prove time and time again that they had a never ending thirst for battle improving after each fight. He knew not to interfere in Ikkaku’s battles, he did for both their sakes. Honestly the pretty boy didn’t exactly know why Ikkaku had stayed with him for so long. They quickly became one in the same- Ikkaku had even gotten in the habit of saying  _ we _ instead of  _ I. _ Yumichika had picked up on it and never bothered to correct him, letting him speak for both of them. Funny thing is it worked out just fine. Yumichika had grown content with his makeshift family.

The blue haired and purple eyed shinigami held himself at high standard. He has an iron resolve, and a quick wit. It took years upon years to craft his highly disciplined battle strategies, he perfected his shunpo for quick reactions, and most of his friends slowly became confident in his fighting abilities. He was happy to be held as an equal amongst his peers.

Now that was all crumbling down. He had ruined all of it. Everything he worked for.  _ Kido is cheating. It’s all just glorified magic tricks and illusions _ . He heard his taicho say many times. 

_ “I’m sorry Yumi, but I can’t be seen with you anymore… You should just go” _

_ “I can’t believe you lied to me all this time. You can’t be trusted” _

_ “Ayasegawa, hows squad 3 treatin ya?” _

_ “Nobody wants you here” _

_ “You should go back to that alleyway where you belong” _

_ “You’re truly ugly Yumichika, how could you ruin our friendship like that?” _

The self proclaimed prettiest squad member’s lip quivered, he was trying to fight back tears so hard his stomach hurt. He just wanted things to go back the way they were. He was shaking; well he thought he felt himself shaking until he looked up.

Ikkaku had both hands on his shoulders and had his face literally inches away from his. He was shaking him roughly- “Snap out of it goddammit!”

Yumichika stumbled back a bit trying to break free. “IK- Ikkuka stop it!”

“Hey” Ikkaku yelled trying to grab hold of his squirming friend “talk to me Yumi! Just talk to me”

Yumichika turns his face away, unable to look Ikkaku in the eye. “I can’t” he hoarsely whispers.

“Yea ya can, ya do it all the time” Ikkaku challenges the man by moving closer breaking the space between them. “Jus’ tell me what’s wrong”.

“You’re supposed to  **_hate_ ** me Ikkaku!” Yumichika cries out.

Ikkaku stares at the man blankly. Blinking a couple times he opens his mouth then shuts it. Yumichika watches various emotions pass through his face. Finally he narrows his eyes and says “Did ya fuckin hit yer head or somethin?” 

“Wh-what?” 

Ikkaku notices the man wince slightly and realizes he has a vice grip on his shoulders. “Shit sorry Yumi”. He lets his arms drop giving him an apologetic look.  _ Now look what ya did ya giant idiot  _ Ikkaku was kicking himself on the inside.

But he repeats himself in a fiercer tone “Did you hit your head?”

Yumichika can only gawk at Ikkaku in shock.

“Cuz that has got to be the most absurd thing I have  **_ever_ ** heard you say Yumichika”.

Yumichika finds a little bit of his composure and says quietly “I don’t understand… aren’t you mad at me? I  _ lied  _ to you… to everyone”. 

“ **_Of course I’m mad_ ** ” His sudden outburst causes the male to jump. “I’m mad because you didn’t tell me sooner. I’m mad cuz ya left me out”. That last bit slipped out of Ikkaku and he quietly reeled at what he just heard himself say. He takes a deep breath and uses up his remaining anger to finish his thought “I don’t like feelin’ like your keepin’ secrets from me- cuz we’re in this together! I thought you knew that!”.

“I don’t hate you baka” He murmurs. 

* * *

**_“I feel your sorrow_ **

**_Pouring out_ **

**_Of your skin”_ **

* * *

_ “And I don't want to be alone _

_ If I am tonight _

_ I'll always be _

_ So take from me _

_ What you want _

_ What you need _

_ But lover _

**_Please stay_ **

**_With me_ ** _ ” _

  
  


“..Really? Do you really mean that Ikkaku” A glint of hope seeped into Yumichika’s voice. He sniffles loudly rubbing his sore eyes. “Yeah I do” Ikkaku said gently, his body seemed to be moving on its own accord. He did something abrupt and unexpected. He pulled the smaller male into a hug. He wrapped his arms around him tightly “I don’t think yer ugly Yumi. I never have”.

Yumichika stands in Ikkaku’s warm embrace. His heart is beating faster yet he feels strangely calm. Tingles run all throughout his body. His brain has a hard time comprehending Ikkaku’s tender words; he brings one arm up weakly and pats Ikkaku’s back. He closes his eyes momentarily and buries his face in Ikkaku’s chest savoring the moment, taking in a deep breath he gathers his fortitude back together.

Then he says “Get off me you oaf” in a light joking voice. They pull back from each other. Ikkaku feels his friends reiatsu return back to normal. And he lets out an involuntary laugh. “Come on let’s head home?”.

Yumichika hesitates, but then his stomach lets out a low growl. “That may be a good idea,” He says with a grin. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was a short one. I really wanted a build up with a sweet interaction between the two at the end. When I originally wrote this- I did have a (diabolical) plan to ruin this cuteness with some more angst and maybe some torture scenes. I never got around to actually fleshing that out. For now the fluff will do.
> 
> Thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was written a while ago, but I decided that I wanted to work up the nerve to start posting my writing. 
> 
> It is a bit Ikkaku centric in the beginning. I attempted to incorporate a softer ™ side to the baldy in contrast to his normal gruffness. Hopefully it doesn't come across as too uncharacteristic for our adrenaline junky.
> 
> Also a bit of Toshiro being fed up with Rangiku's shenanigans because that never gets old.
> 
> // Comments & Critiques are welcome:) //


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